After a long time without seeing any AnCafe video, in this case interviews, I really got depressed by seeing one where Bou was still present....I''m a very sensitive person ><
Before I watch the interview I saw a 2009 blog entry of Miku-san that I will put here:
"“Nyappy (≧∀≦) It’s Miku. I went to my computer many times thinking I’d write in the diary, but I couldn’t collect my words. Honestly, I don’t even understand my current mental state. This is the first time I’m like this. However, it’s true that there is a part of me that can’t stand the pressure.
On May 17, I went to Tokyo Big Sight in anticipation of the 5th anniversary finale live. This day was a memorable live of celebrating five years with the Cafekko. The meaning it held for me was strong. Many things happened in five years. Without knowing our names, our personalities, we met as music beginners and performed peaceful lives. And then, slowly without us knowing, the live halls became bigger and we realized what our ideal existence was. Before we knew it, our existence grew to granting Cafekko the hope of living, courage, and the spirit of facing tomorrow. That’s right, Cafekko taught me my place. Until I started the band I was a shit person whose existence had zero worth. I think there are still a lot of people who think I’m a shit person now. But, I received a lot of messages of thanks from the Cafekko, and I knew that even I can properly influence people. And so I swore. That I would tell everyone that even I, who is living at the bottom of the world, can shine this much on a big stage. This big stage is the Nippon Budoukan. An Cafe was still doing “Harajuku Sanbusaku” when I decided this. I thought I would work hard even though it was an impossible dream. I’m very thankful to the Cafekko for giving me my own place. That’s why I want to give everyone a place in return. Even though I often come off as respectable in the messages, it’s a big mistake. I’m not as strong a person as everyone thinks I am, I become sad easier than everyone, to be frank, every day I take medicine for depression and fight the illness. I don’t really know if I should rely on medicine, but if I don’t take it, I get scared to talk to people, get dizzy if I walk through crowded streets, and a cold sweat follows. So even though I think so myself, I end up saying a lot of stupid things. I think I’m already doing that now…But being like this I’m singing in front of everyone, even I get surprised. This is definitely something like a miracle. But it’s because of the Cafekko that I’m able to come this far. The ones who gave me a place was Cafekko. That’s why I want to repay this favor with all my strength! I want to tell the people who are weak and become scared that there are definitely people who need them. At the very least, I need you who is reading this.
And the retirement of an important member, Bou-kun. It crossed my mind to break up. It was very frustrating. That the family called Antic Cafe -Coffee Shop- made by the members and Cafekko up til now is broken. But with everyone’s strength we were able to continue without breaking the family. Even if we separate, it won’t change the fact that we’re a family. I want to grant Bou-kun’s dream too. And then, meeting takuya and Yuuki. It’s already been about two years but their endurance is amazing. It’s been five years for me. Two years for them. But they are already no different from me, Kanon, and Teruki. This feeling is surely because their endurance was amazing. An Cafe was saved by them. We came to five years with the six members, the many staff, and the Cafekko. It seems short but I think there was lots of drama. Because it’s a celebration of these five years, the live was changed from its usual stance. I wanted to do a live of “Thank you very much for five years”. The theme inside of me was love. I thought it’d be great to have a live that can feel the warmth. If it was like always it would be the me who becomes a little stylish, but I wanted to get rid of the weird style and face the Cafekko as my natural self. It’s ok to be your natural self and not get tired out for no reason (presumably from trying to be something you’re not). I thought that this might be my original ideal form. Anyway, really, thank you for these five years. I love you.
And so, there was the announcement of Nippon Budoukan while in this mental state that I don’t really understand. Because this was a very serious announcement for me. Because this was my biggest dream. Because this dream is before my eyes, it becomes a mental state I don’t really understand. I start to seriously wonder if it’s alright for me to stand at Nippon Budoukan. Honestly, there are lots of scary feelings. All the more so because it’s my biggest dream. Because it’s a stage where I might not be able to stand on a second time, my parents said they would definitely come. I definitely want the parent who gave birth to me to see me, as well as the Cafekko who support me. In the messages, a lot came saying “Are you going major after Nippon Budoukan?”, but actually there isn’t anything planned after Nippon Budoukan. Not lives, not events, not anything. In my life, I think my goal is Nippon Budoukan. Right now I can’t see anything beside Nippon Budoukan. But I’m going to earnestly do my best to go in that direction. I will definitely grant my greatest dream. But only doing a live at Nippon Budoukan won’t do. I have to shine from the Cafekko’s point of view. If I run away from this goal, I want to find a dream before that. I’m very sorry this became so long. Thank you for reading until the end.
I’m sorry I ended up writing a lot about what I don’t even understand because of my complicated mental state. Now I will sort out my mind! This is something I can do now. Bai Nyappy o(≧∀≦)o
ニャッピーo(≧∀≦)oみくです。日記を書こうと何度もパソコンに向かったけど言葉がまとまらない。。今の心境、正直、俺にも分からない。こんな自分は初めてだ。ただ、プレッシャーに耐えきれない自分がいることは事実だ。
５月１７日、待望の５ｔｈアニバーサリーのフィナーレのライブを東京ビックサイトで行った。この日は俺達とカフェっ仔の５年間を祝う、記念的なライブ。俺にはそんな意味あいが強かった。５年間、色んな事があった。名前も知らない、性格も知らない、音楽初心者です的な俺達が出会い、わきあいあいとしてライブを行っていた。そして、だんだん知らないうちに会場がでかくなり、自分達がどんな存在であるべきなのかを知ることになる。いつの間にか、カフェっ仔に生きる希望や、勇気、そして明日に向かう元気を与える存在になっていた。そう、俺は居場所をカフェっ仔から教えてもらったんだ。バンドを始めるまで存在価値ゼロの糞人間。今でも糞人間って思ってる人は沢山居ると思う。でも、沢山のカフェっ仔が俺に感謝のメッセージをもらって、こんな自分でもちゃんと人に影響を与えてることを知った。そこで俺は誓った。底辺世界で生きる俺でも、大きなステージでこんなに輝くことが出来るんだって、みんなに教えてあげるんだって。その大きなステージってのが日本武道館だ。それを決意したのはまだアンカフェが原宿三部作をやってる頃だね。叶わぬ夢だけど頑張ろうって思った。俺は自分の居場所を与えてくれてるカフェっ仔にすごく感謝をしている。だから逆に俺は居場所を与えてあげたい。よくメッセージで尊敬してますと来るけど、大きな間違えだ。俺はみんなが思ってるほど強い人間じゃないし、みんなよりきっと落ち込みやすいし、ぶっちゃけた話、毎日、鬱病の薬を飲んで病気と闘ってるよ。ホントは薬に頼っちゃいけないのかも知れないけど、飲まないと、人と喋ることが怖いし、大勢の街の中を歩くとクラクラしちゃうし、冷や汗かきっぱなしだよ。だから自分でもよく思うけど、馬鹿な発言を沢山しちゃうんだ。今ももうしちゃってると思うけど。。。でもそんな俺がみんなの前で歌ってるって、自分でも驚いちゃう。絶対、奇跡に等しい。でもそんな俺をここまで育ててくれたのは誰がなんと言おうとカフェっ仔なんだ。居場所を与えてくれたのはカフェっ仔だよ。だから俺は全力で恩返しをしたい！俺みたいに世の中に怯えてる弱い人間でも絶対、必要としてくれてる人はいるんだよって教えてあげたい。少なくともこれを読んでるキミを俺は必要としているからね。
そして大切なメンバーである坊君の脱退。解散が頭に過った。すごく悔しかった。今までメンバーとカフェっ仔で作ってきた、アンティック-珈琲店-という家族が壊れること。でもみんなの力で家族を壊さずに続けることが出来た。離れていても家族であることは変わりはないと。坊君の夢も叶えて欲しい。そして、takuyaとゆうきの出会い。もう約２年間が経ったけど彼らの頑張りはすごい。俺は５年間。彼らは２年間。でももう、彼らは俺、カノン、輝喜となんら変わらない。そう感じられるのもきっと、彼等の頑張りがすごかったからだ。アンカフェを彼らは救ってくれた。メンバー６人、沢山のスタッフ、そしてカフェっ仔で乗り越えてきた５年間。短いようだったが沢山のドラマがあったと思う。そんな５年間を祝うライブだからこそ、いつもとライブのスタンスを変えた。「５年間、ホントにありがとう」のライブをしたかった。俺の中のテーマは愛だった。温かさを感じれるライブになれたらいいなと思った。いつもだったら少々、かっこつけ気味になる俺だけど、変なかっこつけはよして、自然体の自分でカフェっ仔と向き合いたかったんだ。自然体の自分って何気に疲れなくていいんだよね。これが本来のあるべき姿なのかなと思いました。とにかく本当にこの５年間ありがとう。愛してます。
そして、俺がよくわからない心境である日本武道館の発表がありました。俺の中でこれは本当に重大発表だから。俺の一番の夢だからね。そんな一番の夢が目の前にあるからこそ、よくわからない心境になっちゃうんです。俺なんかが日本武道館に立っていいのかなって本気で考えちゃうんです。正直怖い気持ちでいっぱいです。一番の夢だからこそなおさらね。もう２度と立てない舞台になるかもしれないから絶対に来いと親にもいいました。俺を生んでくれた親、そして、俺の支えであるカフェっ仔には絶対に見てもらいたい。最後の生き様を見て欲しい。メッセージでさ、日本武道館の後はメジャーですか？って沢山来るけど、日本武道館の先は何の予定も実は組まれてないよ。ライブもイベントも何もかも。俺の中の人生、ゴールは日本武道館だと思ってる。今は日本武道館しか俺には見えない。そこに向けてひたすら頑張るだけだ。自分の最大である夢を絶対叶える。それはただ日本武道館でライブをやるだけじゃダメなんだ。ちゃんとカフェっ仔から見て、自分が輝いてなくっちゃね。ゴールをもし駆けぬけれたら、その先の夢を見つけたいと思う。長くなって大変申し訳ない。最後まで読んでくれたかたありがとう。
すごく心境が複雑なものでわけのわからないことを沢山書いてしまってごめんね。今は心の整理をすることにする！それが俺に今、出来ることですね。バイニャッピーo(≧∀≦)o
”
| Miku’s blog entry translation - 2009.05.19""
I really try not to think negatively but sometimes is just to harsh for me...
Today You all saw my tweet where I said I was sad and depressed (if not now you know)... It was all because of me missing AnCafe!
But How can I call myself Cafekko if I NEVER saw them in active? If I only discover them after the Hiatus? This makes me so dam sad ;; I really want to try to be more positive with all this but I really can't... I see these points in my head and I start thinking too much about them and get sad, depressed to teh point of ever cry at night! In the silence of my room, drowning my tears in my pillow, trying not to cry to loud so I don't awake my mom and my younger brother! Crying in silence, at night, thinking about that...
How can I be a Cafekko if I never saw them when they were active?
I want an answer...
My friend today... They saw that I was not Okay. My Okay is full of energy always laughing and doing clownish things... In side I may be sad but I try not to show... I don't ,like to make them worry about me... I want them to see me happy so I show them that happiness that I don't have...
While writing this my eyes get teary and I don't give a smile... This is not me this is definitely NOT ME!
I just want AnCafe back (even if I don't call myself a Cafekko I have a huge love from them! They are my strength for these days)
I just want them to see me and know that I am supportive with them... but Just come back! ><
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